i'll say it in words you can understand
by OnLorakeetWings
Summary: some days, tobio just can't quite get back on the ground. good thing shouyou is here this time. kagehina. warnings for minor depression and bronies? please don't ask. this is literally so self-indulgent help


tobio hates to admit it, but that middle school match had really gotten to him.

he agrees with just about anyone when they say that he had been pretty harsh with his teammates, that he hadn't acted properly at all during the semifinal match. really, the only part that he hid was how much the following abandonment had hurt him.

karasuno's volleyball club catches nudges and murmurs of the damage it has done, but tobio is very careful not to completely reveal the woe it has caused him. they know it left deep scars—though the indications were sparse—and that was that.

(none of them know about the nightmares, the shake in his fingers after a particularly wild, nearly-missed, toss, and it is better that way.)

until.

the day had 'terrible' written all over it in meter-high, neon pink letters. more failed test results, a never-ending headache, homework he had stayed up to do left on his desk at home, misplaced lunch money—the list went on.

at least it was saturday, so while the density of terrible things was high, the time they were spread out over was short.

then practice is delayed because of some meeting the third-years need to have, which further deepens the crease between tobio's eyebrows.

hinata comments on the stiffness in his posture, which has tobio snapping, "not everybody can have good days all the time like you, okay? geez, you're such an annoying shithead," before he can think to check his aggression.

hinata grins, no less offended than by the stars in the sky. "bad day got you down that much? don't worry _baka_ geyama, you can work it off when the third-years get back." tobio gets a slap on the back for his trouble, and he stumbles a bit, taken by surprise.

the extra step he takes to keep his balance is enough for hinata to frown a bit himself, studying tobio calculatingly, a look that doesn't quite match his perpetually-sunny disposition.

tobio ignores the edge hinata's expression has taken, and starts stretching. hinata was right about something for once—he could work today's terrible-ness off during practice.

the upperclassmen return, and after stretches, practice begins with a warm-up scrimmage.

noya receives one of asahi's jump serves, sending the ball right to tobio.

 _now_ , tobio thinks, and sets the ball up for hinata, using the falling toss he's been working at.

it clips his teammate in the nose, shot long, too close, and too fast.

hinata jerks back in surprise; it's been quite a while since anything like that has happened (that wasn't his own fault). his center of balance shifts with the midair correction, and it's just enough to make him miss his swing and stumble into a less-than-graceful landing.

tobio looks away, irritated with himself as his ears redden. "s...sorry..." _too much, you're too much._

hinata's assessing look is back, and tobio hates it a little bit. he knows hinata can see that something is wrong, and that last toss probably clued in daichi and suga too.

"don't mind, don't mind," daichi says, looking a little like he minds, "you'll get the next one, kageyama, hinata."

tobio can't understand why daichi is dragging hinata into tobio's mistakes. his fingers twitch, something like a warning; he tries to ignore it and calm down.

asahi serves again, this time sending it to tanaka, who fumbles with the spinning ball a little.

"sorry, kageyama!" he shouts, "cover it!"

tobio doesn't say anything as he tosses the ball, arcing it towards hinata once again.

hinata swings at air, expecting a direct delivery.

tobio had sent him a standard quick toss.

they barely ever warmed up with regular quicks, yet tobio had sent one like that was the norm for them.

"...a regular quick?" suga sounds puzzled. "but hinata was—"

tobio flinches. "i know, it's my mistake, i'm sorry. i'll try harder next time." _not enough, never enough._

hinata is staring at him candidly, lips parted around his breath. there's something else in his eyes now, and if tobio isn't mistaken, it's _worry_ of all things.

"i'll get it under control," tobio says to him, waiting for the cloud in his teammate's eyes to dissipate, "i'll keep sending you tosses until i do."

hinata nods slowly. "okay…"

 _why isn't the cloud gone_ , tobio thinks. he breathes in, out. concentrates.

asahi serves again.

noya receives.

tobio's hands are shaking so badly that he can see the ball wobble in its path, not quite making it to hinata's palm in time.

the ball contacts hinata's hand all wrong, sending it spinning, barely crossing the net before it drops just inside the attack line.

hinata's feet slap against the gymnasium floor, and tobio feels the sound across his cheek.

 _too much_ , he thinks. _not enough_ , he thinks.

 _your tosses are impossible to hit_ , he hears in kindaichi's unforgiving tone.

 _this is what they meant_ , he thinks.

 _dictator, tyrant,_ he hears in whispers all around, _king of the court._

" _kageyama_."

his fingers are trembling so much, their tempo is nearing a slow vibrate. hinata's worry is a storm now, near-anger brewing. "you need to tell me what's wrong."

tobio's mouth turns, the grimace tasting sour with the ready-made lie. "it's—"

hinata's fingers are tight around his wrist, warm and cool at the same time, lifting it between them. "if you say it's nothing, so help me, i will send you home with a black eye _myself_."

tobio knows that hinata could see the tremor in the tosses, and can now see, feel, the same shake under his hand. "...i'll get over it."

the anger rolls to the surface, mixing intensely with the worry. "for god's sake, kageyama, you're being impossible," hinata snaps.

 _your tosses are impossible_ , he hears again, so much louder, and he can't pull the flinch fast enough as it tenses through his body, crawling up his muscles and into the heart of him. _you're impossible_.

if the gym was quiet before, it is silent now.

tobio doesn't respond, doesn't look anywhere but at the floor. if he were okay right now, he would retort, or scoff, or _something_ , but he can't right now.

he yanks his hand away, but can't disagree with hinata right now, because—because maybe his old teammates were _right_. hinata said it himself, he's impossible. he's tearing them all apart. he's making everything so difficult, he's—

tobio's head is too busy spinning irrationally to notice that hinata has bowed, excusing them both and is dragging tobio with him, out of the gymnasium to sit on the steps.

tobio is still reeling, left in the dust by his own nightmares, when hinata speaks.

"you're not in middle school anymore, kageyama."

the hurricane in his head quiets just the slightest bit.

"just because you're acting impossibly doesn't mean you are completely intolerable, okay?"

tension drips out of tobio's shoulders.

"i know today was pretty terrible for you, and i think you need a day off."

tension returns, this time brought by alarm and resentment. "what?! no, i—i need to—"

" _tobio_."

hinata's use of his given name puts his heartbeat in his ears, loud and hammering.

"the assholes at kita-ichi were _wrong_."

tobio's breath isn't the only thing that stops, his heart tripping a step or two out of beat.

"i know you can face those demons most days, but today was cruel to you, and volleyball isn't helping right now. you need— _deserve_ —a goddamn break."

tobio feels his lungs steady, his heart marching back into step, croaks: "don't use my given name without asking first, asshole."

hinata rolls his eyes. "honestly, it's kinda weird that we don't already use them with how closely we work together."

silence curls comfortably between them. tobio knows what's coming.

"...if i can call you tobio," hinata says, staring a hole in the pavement, "you can call me shouyou, or shou, or anything you want."

helium spreads tobio's chest, lighter than the surrounding air, making him float, but years of bone, muscle, and common sense keep him grounded. he snickers. "shou-chan."

red rises with alarming speed to his teammate's cheeks. "tobio, you bastard! anything but shou-chan, oh my god. why does my sister even—"

he shuts himself up, his face continuing on its journey to being mostly primary-colored.

the day seems brighter now, sweet with honey and pastel shades of sunset. "your sister calls you shou-chan?"

hinata's gumble and shifty gaze confirms it. tobio snorts tauntingly.

"shut up, _tobio-chan_!" hinata is red in his cheeks and the tips of his ears. endearing, tobio doesn't think. "we're getting our stuff and going home."

"yeah, yeah…" tobio and hinata stand and re-enter the gym to get their bags. tobio apologises for leaving practice early, and nobody minds (or questions it when hinata leaves with him). hinata fiddles with his phone a bit before sliding it back into his pocket upon their departure.

they walk together, slower than normal, hinata's bike clicking quietly between them.

he says, "you never answered, you know."

tobio frowns, curls inward the slightest bit. "hm?"

a few steps, a few breaths. "you can keep calling me by my surname if you're more comfortable that way. i won't even call you tobio if—"

tobio is cutting him off before he realises his own objection. "no, i—"

they stop, looking at each other fully.

"...tobio is fine."

hinata's smile glows warm and bright, a mid-afternoon sunset. "then you can call me shouyou."

tobio feels his lips curl, but shouyou doesn't look scared of his smile now.

—

they reach the fork where they would usually part ways, but instead, shouyou just keeps beside tobio.

halfheartedly, tobio protests, "don't you have to get home too?"

"i texted my mom already to let her know i'd be home later than usual." shouyou shrugs. "it's my responsibility to make sure you get home okay."

tobio mutters about not being that delicate, watching him as they continue towards his place.

shouyou glances back at him. "what?"

"you're an idiot" is what tobio opts for, because he can't say _i'm glad you're not leaving me alone just yet_.

the rest of the walk is met with the murmuring of cicadas and crunching gravel under their feet. they get to tobio's door, and shouyou hoists his bag more securely over his shoulder, getting ready for his nightly bike ride over the mountain.

"okay, get some sleep tonight. tomorrow will be better. i'll see you monday, to—"

"shou."

shouyou stops, looking a bit concerned. "...tobio?"

tobio feels his courage dry up, but what the hell. they're already using each other's given names.

"c-can you stay, maybe? for a little while? my mom would throw a fit if she knew i let you ride back over the mountain from here without at least offering you tea first."

shouyou smiles, like he knows that tobio really just doesn't want to be left to himself quite yet. "tea sounds nice, yeah. thanks, tobio- _chan_."

tobio rolls his eyes. "dont throw rocks from glass houses, _shou-chan_."

"what does that even _mean_?"

"it mean that you're an idiot because you don't know what it means."

shouyou's enraged "you probably don't know what it means either, butthead-tobio!" draws a chuckle as tobio closes the door behind them. more creative given name insults will come later.

they drink their tea inside, tobio quiet and shouyou filling the space with stories and opinions and auditory color.

soon, the conversation turns to classwork. naturally, they retreat to tobio's room to lay out their homework and express their mutual confusion over the current math, english, and japanese literature assignments.

shouyou's phone buzzes an hour or so later, after they both have gotten as far as is possible on their collective (but still insufficient) knowledge. it's only then that they see the time.

"oh geez, sorry mom! we were doing homework and forgot to look at the clock." shouyou laughs sheepishly at something his mother says. "uh-huh. i'll be on my way soon."

 _not yet_ , tobio thinks.

"you can stay the night if you want. it's already dark out, not to mention a weekend," he says.

"what about your parents?" shouyou looks hopeful.

"my dad's out on a business trip. my mom won't get back from work until later, and she shouldn't have a problem with it and as long as we aren't too loud. if you can't stay, i'm sure she'd be willing to drive you home."

shouyou grins, nodding, then parrots tobio's offer back to his mother.

they both wait on bated breath, until shouyou smiles even wider. "okay, thanks mom! no, i'll be okay...yeah, i have my bike, so i won't need you to pick me up tomorrow...yeah, i will...i know, i know! okay, i'll see you tomorrow, please say goodnight to natsu and dad for me. night, mom!"

tobio raises an eyebrow, smirking slightly. "i take it you can stay?"

shouyou nods. "yep!

—

shouyou asks about a movie ("it's a sleepover after all!"), and together, after twenty minutes of indecision, they decide on a few episodes some weird american tv show—something about two brothers who kill weird creatures that hurt people. there were a few too many corpses for either of their tastes, so soon, the volume was turned down, and it became background noise.

shouyou's voice is barely a murmur when he speaks up, his legs underneath him with another cup of tea warming his palms. "i was right, right?"

tobio looks at him, tilting his head slightly—a body-language question mark that shouyou has understood since forever.

"i was right when i assumed that you couldn't stop thinking about how your teammates treated you in middle school."

tobio's chin inches down towards his own mug. it feels wrong, admitting it like this. "...yeah."

shouyou nods slowly. his eyes are sharp with something, though, and tobio questions it. "what's up?"

"maybe you were harsh with them," shouyou looks as fierce as tobio has ever seen him. "but that doesn't make them _right_ , or what they did in return _okay_. i need you to know that, especially now."

tobio closes his eyes, breathing in the steam from his cup, murmuring, "i do know that, most days, but...but sometimes i feel like a hot air balloon floating away without any sandbags. the wind, the sun, everything has influence over me, and i just can't get back on the ground, no matter how i try."

"like today," shouyou nearly whispers, watching tobio tenderly, moving his empty teacup to the low table in front of them.

tobio nods, and continues. "most of the time, even if i'm not entirely on the ground, i can at least control how affected i am by my surroundings—and my own thoughts, but…"

"but?"

"but some days…" he places his mug on a coaster, curling into himself. "...everything just hurts."

" _tobio_."

shouyou's tone is near pleading. he reaches out, palm pressing into tobio's bicep.

"you don't have to go it alone—especially when you yourself are half the enemy."

some bit of constant stress burns away from deep inside tobio, and now he just feels so tired.

"i won't—not any more," he says, and he sounds a million years old, with his lashes fluttering and droopy from the sudden exhaustion.

tobio feels a warm weight on his shoulder, and finds shouyou's head dropped there, more comfort in that gesture than shouyou probably realises.

while tobio knows exactly what shouyou needs on the volleyball court, shouyou clearly understands what tobio needs away from it, whether either of them knows it or not.

—

tobio texts his mother ahead of time, letting her know that shouyou is staying the night—though it feels strange to refer to him as 'hinata'. she arrives at home a bit later, smiling subtly. "ah, you must be the hinata-kun tobio mentioned, correct?"

"that's me!" tobio makes their introductions, shouyou is charming, and tobio's mother is charmed.

his mom asks what they want for dinner, and tobio and shouyou bicker about it for long enough that ordering pizza seems to be the best option. she calls in the order, and says that it should be ready for pickup in a half-hour or so.

"will that work for you boys?"

shou grins. "that's great! thank you, kageyama-san!" tobio nods in affirmation.

she smiles. "i'll leave in twenty minutes."

tobio nods again, then drags shouyou back to his room.

—

dinner is a quiet affair, with tobio's mother asking simple questions about volleyball and schoolwork.

tobio and shouyou help with cleanup, then they commandeer the tv in the front room again for some gaming time.

"i don't have any recent systems really, sorry," tobio says, plugging in controllers. "we can play whatever you want though."

"okay, thanks obi-tobio."

"what does that even mean? just pick something, dumbass."

shouyou whines in protest, but capitulates as soon as he finds a game he likes. "it's been forever since i've even seen this game! i'm pretty good at the newer versions though, so watch out!"

tobio's mouth quirks, and maybe shouyou looks a little scared. as he should be, tobio laughs in the silence of his head. "maybe, but this is the first game i got on this system—i unlocked everything i could a while ago, and still haven't stopped playing it."

"well, let's see how precious your 'experience'," shouyou uses overexaggerrated finger quotes, "is when i pound you into the ground with it!"

tobio smiles, sharp and wicked, as he inserts the disc and turns on the machine, letting the gamecube go through its startup sequence. "then i have your permission to take no prisoners?"

a raspberry bubbles across shouyou's lips as the startup screen for super smash bros melee appears. "please, brony-o. do your worst."

("what the hell is a brony?" tobio asks, confused.

"um, i don't know, actually," shouyou giggles nervously, "it's some american word? i think it's a sort of mildly-insulting endearment."

tobio glares, and takes mental note to research this 'brony' term at a later date.)

—

"no way!" shouyou watches the screen as his character loses his last life in its stock. "i was winning!"

tobio lets the smug look cover his face. "what was that about 'pounding me into the ground with my own experience'? hm."

"go to hell, shitty tobio. i wanna try a timed one."

"a time trial?" this'll be interesting, considering that time trials are tobio's preferred method of gaming.

"yeah, that. and i get to pick the arena this time!"

"pfft, as if that'll make a difference..."

"what was that, you little—!"

—

tobio is right—shou's choice of arena really didn't have much of an effect on the final outcome. tobio's link beats shouyou's captain falcon fair and square.

"but the falcon guy was so cool! what's he from?"

tobio shrugs. "f-zero. racing game. i mained as him for a while, so i already know his strengths and shortcomings."

shouyou looks a bit overwhelmed as he puts his controller down on the floor in front of him. "how the hell are you so good at this game, ,"

"boredom," tobio starts, "as well as—"

tobio feels his brain catch up to his mouth, which snaps closed traitorously, too little too late.

"...as well as?" shouyou prods.

tobio feels his face contort into something pained, sad, lonely. his voice is quiet. "...as well as time, and a lack of people to play it with."

the house is quiet, save for the sounds of water running upstairs.

shouyou is an inferno of contained rage. "they're assholes who don't matter anymore, tobio. they never really mattered to begin with."

"i—" he wants to say he knows, because he does, he _does_ , but—

shouyou is already moving on, so assured of his conclusion that tobio can do nothing but flounder, trying to grapple with all the discontinuities he sees between the evidence and shouyou's statement.

tonight is going to be rough, he thinks, because _of course_ it is.

after tobio's mother gets out of the shower (so that had been the running water they had heard in the space between them), she helps tobio get the futon down out of the closet for shouyou, who yawns ferociously at the sign of sleep.

after the futon is made and tobio and shou are clean-mouthed and droopy-eyed, they sit together for just one more moment, closer than usual, on shouyou's futon.

"are you gonna be okay?" shouyou looks soft around the edges in the low light.

tobio swallows. "i think so." _maybe not_.

when he doesn't elaborate, shouyou frowns, becomes a tiny bit clearer. "well, i'll be here, so everything'll be fine."

"geez, shou, cocky much? let's stroke your ego some more before we go to bed, shall we?"

shouyou chuckles, sheepish. "yeah, sorry. your idiocy has tainted me once again."

tobio's mother tells them to go to bed when she hears the ensuing scuffle, and they call a truce on the basis of exhaustion, opting to actually go to bed instead of staying up like other kids might on sleepovers.

but of course, as soon as the light goes out and they settle in, tobio's mind is sent whirling faster than ever.

he turns over under his covers a few times, until shouyou murmurs, "tobio, you're gonna be tired tomorrow if you don't sleep."

"i know that, dumbass, i'm not an actual child like you."

"so sleep."

tobio rolls his eyes, sighing. "it's never that easy." _not after days like today_.

the silence of the room hums slightly with a change of fates.

"tobio."

he twitches inwards, covers ruffling quietly.

"scoot over."

tobio, for all his observation, didn't hear shouyou get up off the futon or approach his bed. he is mesmerized by shou's eyes, gleaming gently in the light from the window.

"c'mon, scooch, or i'll lie on top of you." shouyou is picking up the edge of the covers. tobio schooches.

tobio doesn't understand how, but as soon as shouyou's weight presses into the bed next to him, warming the sheets and what little space is between them, tobio relaxes more than he has all day. the whispers tingling under his scalp drop off into nothing one by one, and the electric-sharp jolts of pain and panic numb their ways to oblivion.

just before sleep, shouyou smiles, and the world seems that much brighter in the dark.

—

 _set point._

 _the toss goes up._

 _nobodytherenobodytherenobody—_

 _"kageyama!"_

 _the sun calls for a toss._

 _he's there, he's there._

 _"i'm here, so everything is fine."_

 _and it is._

 _it_ is.

—

it's early, when tobio wakes quieter than usual, with his face tipped into sweet-smelling orange and his hand settled gently on a slim hipbone. he feels fingers in his shirt and a face by his collarbone, warm breaths puffing softly and changing pace as consciousness returns.

shouyou sighs out a chuckle, lashes fluttering at tobio's neck. "did you sleep okay?"

tobio hums. he had, with shouyou stopping a nightmare in its tracks like that. he didn't know how shou did it, but he did, and that was what mattered most, tobio supposed.

shouyou snorts, the breath brushing against tobio's neck and shoulder, sending a shiver crawling through tobio, quiet and gentle. "see? i told you everything would be fine."

tobio rolls his eyes. "whatever, get off me, you clingy octopus. i'm surprised you didn't smother me in your sleep."

"stupid tobio!" hinata blushes, sitting up and rolling away. "it's natural to gravitate towards warmth while asleep!"

"yeah, okay." tobio remains unconvinced.

as shouyou starts moving around, pulling clothes from drawers and chattering about what he wants to do today, tobio frowns just the tiniest bit.

he doesn't like the way the open air feels against his skin now that shouyou has gotten up. he wants shouyou to crawl back under the covers, to snuggle right back up into tobio's side, warm and safe and happy. tobio wants him there so he can hold him tight, maybe drop a kiss to the top of his head, and—

"c'mon tobio, get up. i wanna go eat."

"so go eat. mom won't be up for a little while, but there's still some stuff you could make."

"tobio."

something in shouyou's tone was different, softer. tobio looks at him assessingly.

"come make breakfast with me."

seconds pass, hiding minutes and hours.

"...okay."

and when tobio's mother comes downstairs an hour later, the kitchen is a mess (as it often is when tobio cooks), but with the delicious food on the table and the genuine happiness in her son's eyes, she finds she doesn't mind the clutter one bit

—

 _bonus:_

tobio walks home with shouyou on monday after practice. natsu loves tobio more than tobio had thought possible for a child her age. "shou-chan" is unsurprised at his sister's affection for tobio. _after all, it runs in the family_ , he says, pressing his smile to tobio's cheek.

tobio blushes, and natsu squeals, claiming it to be "her turn to kiss tobio-chan next".

shouyou's mother smiles, and cooks enough for an extra person at dinner.

—

( _bonus x2:_

" _what_."

"tobio, tobio, i swear i had no idea—"

"call me anything related to that again, and i'm never speaking to you again, idiot."

"but what about volleyball?"

"get one of the fucking _magical unicorns_ to toss to you. i'm leaving."

shouyou's laugh is worth the shitty nickname. tobio stays.)

—


End file.
